Voices
by CeriseTears
Summary: Saito hates fighting. So much that he'll kill himself to make it stop. Rated T for triggers.(Might not follow original story)
1. Chapter 1

"Baka!"

Louise was glaring with the rage of a tiger, and she was furiously cracking a short black whip.

Saito was smart, and had put himself far away from Louise-with a table between the two.

However, it wasn't far enough to prevent her from yelling at him.

"I thought that you had promised to stay loyal to me!"

"I did! It's all a misunderstanding!"

"It shouldn't be a problem!" Louise's eyes were somewhat moist, and her yelling was really getting too Saito's ears. "You are MY servant, you should be answering only to ME!"

"I told you, that maid forced herself on me!"

"And you just let her?"

Saito had no response, and he started to back up as Louise came closer.

"Louise, wait! I'm sorry, it won't happen again! I-"

But she just kept walking past him, through the open door behind him, and closed it. It was as if

Saito had been a pillar in the center of the room.

Saito sighed. "Dodged a bullet there."

He slumped, and walked over to the twin bed that was up against the wall. Flopped into it, and lay face-down, sobbing into a pillow.

"Louise, I'm so sorry..."

He hated arguments. He always had, and this one was no different. Each time it was something

stupid, a misinterpretation, a missed laundry, something that was always resolved quickly.

"But for how long? How long?" He cried to himself, and worried that the next time they argued one would say something the other didn't mean, and have their relationship ruined forever.

"I miss my parents."

Saito sometimes wished that his runes weren't there, as it seemed like they were the only things binding him to this magical world. And as he sat up and looked at them they seemed to be staring at him right back, almost saying, _Go ahead. Try to get us off. We're part of you, and will always be. There's no escape._

But unlike the other times, where Saito simply dried his tears, went and found Louise, and apologized, he reached under the bed and grabbed a knife. He knew that Louise kept it under her bed, but he had never really known why. Protection? But she had her spells...

He shook that thought out of his head, and looked at his runes. They were glowing, as they always did whenever Saito was holding some sort of weapon.

"I really hate you guys."

The only reply of his runes was to glow even brighter. They itched slightly, which bothered Saito.

They never itched.

"I'm not going to deal with you guys anymore."

He put the knife at the edge of the first rune. An X. He traced it slightly, and then decided to just cut it out.

"Nothing to it, just carving out the rune. Just carving out the rune."

Saito reassured himself of this as he pushed the point in deeper. He was rewarded by a drop of blood, which disappeared almost as soon as it appeared.

Saito frowned. A bead of sweat rolled down his face as he placed the knife back on the bed.

Softly, yet forcefully.

"I can't do that. Can I?"

He contemplated. He always wore long sleeves, so it was definitely possible to slit his wrists and not have anyone know.

On the other hand, he would be betraying Louise for sure. He didn't want to do that, she meant everything to him. They were practically going out, for crying out loud. He couldn't disrespect her!

Could he?

"Could I?"

He grabbed the knife again, an odd glint in his eyes.

"I can't go for the rune, people might see that. But the wrist, the wrist..."

He rolled up his left sleeve, exposing his pale, unmarked arm.

Saito moved the blade horizontal to the wrist. He hesitated.

Then he slashed.

Blood gushed out like a river as Saito jumped up. He had cut very deep and now he was panicking as blood spilled onto the carpet. Saito, cupping his arm tenderly, rushed over to Louise's dresser and pulled out the first thing his hand closed around; a pink skirt. He wrapped it around his arm and ran into the bathroom, more in shock than anything else.

As Saito stood there, letting the skirt soak up the blood over the sink, he chuckled to himself.

"People do this to themselves? Idiots..."

He sighed.

"I just hope that Louise doesn't walk in. She wouldn't exactly react too happily to blood being everywhere, especially if I told her that it was mine."

The blood from Saito's wrist was dripping more slowly now, and as Saito put the skirt into the bin of clothing to wash later, her realized something.

"I can't feel my left hand."

Saito had cut so deep that he had severed a nerve to his hand, causing him to not feel anything there. It was curable by magic, but who would do that?

"_Hey, could you cure my arm? What happened? Oh, I was just trying to cut myself and I accidentally severed a nerve. Now, are you gonna cure it or not?"_

He sighed, and got a towel from the bathroom, he wet it, and as he was walking to the rug to clean it up, something odd happened. The room seemed to spin and twirl before his eyes.

"What? What's going-"

The room made a final swerve, and Saito collapsed, unconscious and bleeding profusely.


	2. Chapter 2

Saito woke up.

He was in the school infirmary, with Louise standing directly over him. "Saito! Are you okay?"

"Stop shouting, yeesh." He sat up and gave her a hug, and as he did, he felt her tears on his cheek. "You okay?"

Louise pulled out of the hug and glared at him. "Okay?! When I come into my room and see a knife on the floor, you face-down, and blood everywhere, I tend to not be okay!" She started crying again. "Especially... especially if that blood came from your wrist!"

As Louise sobbed into her hands, Saito remembered what had happened.

_Crap. She knows I cut myself._

As if to exemplify this thought Louise looked up. "Is it because of my breasts? You're depressed because of the fact that I'm not good enough?"

Saito waved his hands in the air frantically. "No, no, no! Louise! You've got it all wrong!"

Louise's eyes crackled. "I do?!"

Saito searched his brain for a halfway decent lie. "Yeah! I was, uh... I was cleaning your skirt when I saw a rat! I reached for a dagger and attacked, but being me, I accidentally nicked my-"

"Nicked?! You're lucky magic exists, dog, or else you would be out of an arm!"

Saito flinched. Louise had her wand out and Saito figured that if her said the wrong thing, he wouldn't be making it out of this infirmary alive.

"Okay, so maybe it was more than a nick! I rushed into the bathroom and got a towel to-"

"My skirt is RUINED because of you! I was going to wear that tomorrow!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! It was an accident, and it won't happen again!"

_Next time I'll make shallower cuts._

Louise stared at him for what seemed like an eternity. "Saito... Please don't hurt yourself, okay? I'm here for you, I promise."

Louise smiled at him, and Saito could remember faking a smile and walking away with her. But in his head...

* * *

_How can I not? Arguments happen every day because of me, and even though you punish me, it isn't enough. I need to take matters into my own own hands._

The next day, Saito was in his room. He was sitting on the bed, alone again. He had had to convince Louise to leave him alone, but she eventually did(albeit with a skeptical look on her face.

He sighed. "I'm going to get it right this time."

"Get what right?"

Saito jumped a foot off of the bed he was sitting on and spun. Louise was standing there, cracking her whip. "What are we getting right now?"

Saito grinned. "W-w-washing clothing, of course! We don't want blood on your skirt, now do we?"

Louise frowned. "Really? Is that why you have a knife in your hand?"

Saito looked down at his hand, as though seeing the knife for the first time. "Uh..."

He heard a sobbing, and glanced up. Louise had dropped her whip, and was crying again. She slumped to the floor and curled into the fetal position, shaking uncontrollably.

_**Now's your chance. Cut!**_

_Who are you?_

_**I'm the voice in your head, of course! The depression that plagues you.** _

_No. I'm not depressed. _

_**Thats exactly why you were trying to cut earlier. Because you weren't depressed. **_

Unconsciously, Saito started moving over to Louise, putting his arms around her.

_**Look! You still have the knife in your hand!**_

Saito looked at his hand. Indeed, the knife was still there, with an unhealthy gleam to it. Saito hurled it as hard as he could out the window, where it fell and stuck in the ground in the gardens.

_**Admit it. You should cut yourself. It's your punishment.**_

_Go away!_

_**Fine. For now.**_

"Saito?"

Louise was still crying, but she was looking curiously at Saito, who now had a horror-struck expression on his face. She had been startled by the explosion of glass, and was very grateful that none had landed on her.

"Saito, are you okay?"

Saito shook his head. "No. I don't think I am."

He turned to Louise, tears in his eyes. "I just get so sick of every single argument I have and then I can't go home, but I don't want to because I like it here, so I miss my parents and my emotions are so confused and because of all that it's _all my fault_, so-"

This was as far as he got. Saito burst into tears, and now it was Louise's turn to comfort the other, and the two of them just sat there for a while, crying.

Not breaking away, Louise spoke up. "So, the other day... That wasn't an accident?"

Saito sobbed. "Yeah..."

This didn't really comfort Louise, in fact, she erupted with another round of tears. "Saito... You can't do that to yourself... You can't...Saito, we care about you... I care about you so much..."

"But I always mess up with something or other, which causes a big fight, and then we say that it won't happen again, but it does, and-"

"But there's no need to punish yourself for it, Saito! No need!" She laughed through her tears. "Don't I do that already?"

Saito pulled away to face her. "Louise... I love you. You know that. But whenever this happens, I always feel like I'm the one to blame. I mess up the laundry, accidentally grope another girl, etc. And I can't do that anymore!"

"Then don't, Saito! Be more careful! We all make mistakes, but there's no need... For..."

Louise collapsed into Saito's chest, sobbing. Saito looked down at her pink hair, and despite what had just happened, he grinned. He couldn't do this anymore.

_It lasted for two days, and I'm putting a stop to it! No more thoughts about cutting! _

'Alright, Louise, I get it. You're right."

Louise looked up at him, her tears drying on her face. "Really?"

"Yeah."

She grinned and jumped on him, knocking the two of them to the ground. Giggling, they kissed and played around until someone came a couple minutes later to tell them that it was dinnertime.

"Oh, one more thing, Louise?" Saito called from the door.

Louise got up from the floor. "Yes?"

"That was my first and only time cutting. That's why there was so much blood, I cut deeper then I wanted- Than I _had _wanted to."

Louise just nodded. "Let's just forget about it and eat, Saito."

Saito grinned. "I wouldn't have it any other way"

And the two walked to dinner, chatting.

_**It was your fault. You weren't wrong.**_

But unfortunately, Saito agreed. Although he wouldn't acknowledge it until six months later.


	3. Chapter 3

_6 months later…_

Saito was sleeping next to Louise and the sun was coming up. He had gone to bed early, and she had come in sometime to sleep by him.

"Louise… Wake up, it's morning…"

Saito reached over to shake her shoulder. What he ran into wasn't a shoulder.

"Huh?"

Saito looked next to him.

Sleeping right there was Siesta, whose breast he had just accidentally run into.

Saito, however, wasn't fully awake at the time. "Louise… Since when did your breasts get so big… Apparently they can grown overnight…"

He sighed contently as he started massaging them without really taking in who their owner was.

Louise yawned. "Saito…. What time is it? I hope you actually woke me up at seven this time, you dog…"

She sat up and stretched, only to hear, "Wow, Louise… Your breasts are so soft…"

It took a second for this to process with Louise.

"What?!" Louise screamed and spun around. "Are you making fun of me, Saito?"

Saito moaned. "No, Louise, I was just complimenting you..."

Louise whipped out her wand. "_Explosion!_"

The bed exploded, sending Saito flying one way and Siesta the other while Louise fell backwards from the force of the explosion.

Saito sat up from the corner that he had landed in. "Louise... What happened... Why am I in the corner..."

Louise stood and strutted up to him angrily. Saito winced as she towered over him. "What happened? It seems that you have the nerve to both insult me and cheat on that horrible maid!"

"Cheat on you? But I-" He looked past her to where Siesta was stretching, starting to wake up, and Louise could see it dawn on him. "Louise! That wasn't me! I don't know how she got in!"

"Don't know? Don't know? You must have left the door unlocked when you came in here, just so you two could have a steamy night together!"

Saito jumped up and starting yelling back at her. "I'm sorry, what was that? You know as well as I do that you left the damn door unlocked because you were the last one in here! I was fast asleep because you had me cleaning your dirty dresses for most of the day!"

"Yeah, you got 'tired' from washing my laundry. You're a dog, a familiar! If you can't do that without getting exhausted, then you shouldn't be around! Hell, you've been just fine in the past! Why was it that you were so tired this time, hm?"

"Because I don't operate at 100% every day! I'm a human! Not a fucking dog! And I'm starting to see how it is around here. You think that you're so powerful, that you can't be bothered to do 'peasant' things like cleaning! So obviously I am a perfect candidate for that! Hell, you must have thought it a miracle to get a familiar with opposable thumbs!"

Louise glared furiously at him, her eyes crackling with anger. "So what if you;re human! It doesn't change the fact that it is your duty to be my familiar! To protect me! I aid me! And

not get tired in the process! And _especially _not cheat on your familiar when she happens to be your love interest!"

"You still think I cheated? Or are you just jealous because you don't think that you can compare to Siesta! Because that's what it seems to be!" He shoved past her, throwing his hands in the air. "I mean, if all flat chested masters are like this, then I think I'd rather Siesta be my master! At least she has good assets and doesn't yell at me!"

"Saito, stop."

Saito spun around, startled. Siesta had gotten up and had been watching the two of them yelling at each other for the last couple minutes. At last she had spoken, putting a hand on Saito's shoulder.

"Louise had a valid point, and I would like to clear up that I snuck in last night. Louise, I am the one to blame, feel free to punish me as you see fit."

Louise glanced at her, tears in her eyes. "That's why you have your hand on his shoulder."

She then bolted out of the room, sobs echoing behind her. Siesta and Saito watched, staring at the door for a solid minute before Saito brushed Siesta's hand from his shoulder.

"Out."

Siesta turned to Saito, who had his head down and appeared to be crying as well, tears dripping from his cheeks. "Huh?"

"OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM!"

Siesta figured it wise to not argue with this, and she left he room, closing the door behind her.

Saito walked over to the door, locked it, and then went and sat on what was left of the bed frame.

"Goddammit!"

He picked up a board of wood from the floor and threw it at the wall, where it broke in two. With this, he starting sobbing even harder, rolling around on the floor crying, getting pieces of wood in his hair, not caring.

_**That bitch.**_

It was as though a switch had been thrown. Saito immediately stopped crying and sat bolt upright, eyes wide.

_No. Not you._

_**You remember me? How sweet.**_

_What is it?_

_**I was just commenting on the fact that your 'master' is such a bitch. **_

_She does that sometimes, we'll get over it. I think._

_**You 'think'? You can't possibly believe that she actually wants to get over it. She hates you, Saito. With a passion.**_

_Bullshit. She's just angry._

_**Just angry? That's why she was calling your something less than a human, less than the smallest shred of dignity. A dog.**_

_I messed up, okay!_

Saito didn't know why he said this to the voice, he knew that he hadn't done anything wrong.

_**You say that as though you've only done this once. Accidentally groped Siesta, or some other girl. But you know that's wrong, Saito. We both do.**_

_Shut up!_

_**It's hard to admit, isn't it? Hard to admit that the person who hates you, the person who treats you like dirt... Is the person who's the most correct.**_

_Stop! It's not true!_

_**Of course it is. There's no need to be in denial. You always look at other girls and wish that Louise were like them. Big cleavage, not as harassing, willing let you look at other girls...**_

_No!_

Saito got up and ran to the nearest wall, smacking his forehead against it until he wasn't seeing or thinking clearly anymore went numb. He staggered around and eventually collapsed next to the window.

_**Louise would want you to punish yourself, Saito. For what you've always done, being overly lustful.**_

Suddenly, Saito realized something. He _had _always been like that, reaching out to other girls when Louise was a terrible master, not being efficient with his tasks as a familiar, complaining, being a total bitch in general.

And the voice was right, Louise would want to him to be punished.

And Saito knew he would have to do it himself.

He looked at the rubble and saw, underneath the pink tatters of the former bed curtain, there was an odd gleam.

Saito stood and walked over to it, clearing away the curtain to reveal the knife.

As though in a trance, Saito picked it up and went into the bathroom, rolling up his sleeve and positioning his wrist over the sink.

He gulped. And then he cut.

It was a thin red line at his wrist, and it didn't cause any pain.

_I'm sorry, Louise._

Another cut, right next to the first one. Blood stared leaking out.

_I'm the worst familiar ever._

A third cut, and then a fourth. As blood poured out, Saito didn't really feel any pain, feeling instead the guilt of knowing that he had failed Louise.

_I'm the worst dog ever._

Another cut, and the blood was running straight down his arm now, dripping not into the sink, but onto the pink bathmat where it soaked in. Saito had collapsed onto the mat, and was crying hysterically as he continued cutting himself, devoting each cut to Louise with an apology.

_I'm sorry, Louise..._

_I'm so sorry..._


	4. Chapter 4

Saito trudged slowly to breakfast. He clutched his left arm to his side with his right, wearing his sweatshirt so that nobody would notice his cuts.

He winced at the memory. He had made numerous cuts, but had made only six noticeable lines that were each about half a centimeter wide. He had eventually almost passed out from loss of adrenaline, and then stood up, wiped his tears off, and gotten a towel.

That towel was under his sweatshirt currently, soaking up the blood that was still trickling out with Saito's every heartbeat.

_I deserved it, for being such a bad dog._

Saito repeated these words to himself the entire way to the dining hall, knowing in his heart that they were true.

When Saito reached the dining hall, nobody was there except for Siesta, who Saito really didn't want to talk to right now. He just went to the nearest table and slumped down, his head in his arms.

Siesta glanced up from her breakfast at the sound of footsteps to see Saito sitting down. She picked up her plate and glass and walked over to him, sitting across from him.

He glanced up and noticed her sitting there, chewing and staring at him. "Oh. Hi."

He resumed slumping while Siesta just sat there, eating her breakfast. Eventually, she went to the kitchen only to return with a plate of food and some orange juice for Saito.

"Here. Everyone else already ate."

Saito looked up. "Louise?"

"She didn't send for you."

He nodded and picked up his fork, eating his eggs slowly and carefully. Siesta watched him eat for awhile, and then spoke.

"Are you okay?"

Saito paused. "Fine, thank you."

Siesta nodded, and did not speak after that, watching Saito eat until his plate was completely cleansed of food.

Saito sighed, and downed his juice in one gulp. "Siesta, do you ever hate being a maid?"

Siesta shifted slightly. "Hate it? No, never..."

Saito nodded, and set his glass down. "I just figured that it must get annoying, having to be a servant all day, without much free time or will. I mean, I would hate that."

"Well, it isn't that bad. I have my family and my friends to see me every day. And sometimes it's even fun serving people!"

Saito nodded once more, and slumped with his head in his arms again. He didn't have his family. He wasn't even sure he actually had any friends to talk to. All of them either would flirt with him or beat him up.

_**Well, at least you have me!**_

_Go away._

_**Well, someone sure isn't in the greatest mood this morning.**_

_You sound surprised._

_**Saito, you haven't really had any friends other than me, and according to you, I don't even exist!**_

_That's not true! I have friends, like..._

_**Like?**_

_Like... Um... Professor Colbert! He's a friend of mine!_

_**He is? I thought that he was just a mentor, nothing more.**_

_No, he's a friend. Trust me._

_**Yes, trust the child who was inflicting self-harm upon himself and crying not an hour ago.**_

Saito shuddered, causing Siesta to gasp in alarm. "Saito? What's wrong?"

Saito didn't respond, instead crying into his arms silently. Siesta, upon receiving this response, stood up and walked over to the other side of the table, putting a motherly arm around Saito.

"It's okay. Louise was just upset. She'll forgive you, she always does."

_**Yes, Saito, she'll forgive you. Until you decide to betray her again. It's a viscous cycle, of which you are the cause.**_

_No!_

Saito was audibly sobbing now, heart-wrenching cries that made Siesta want to just give him a kiss on the cheek, make him feel a little better.

But she knew that Saito wouldn't want that, it'd just make him feel even worse.

Saito looked up and met Siesta's gaze. Tears ran down his cheeks and his eyes were bloodshot.

Siesta gasped, and then reached forward to give him a hug, to which Saito didn't move, letting her put her arms around him.

"Saito, she'll forgive you soon. I'm sure of it. I promise."

_**Ha! She 'promises'. Really, what can she do about it?**_

_Go away._

_**You're no fun.**_

Saito stared at the tables behind Siesta, not taking in anything. It was as though his senses had been dulled, causing him to only be able to think about his newfound discovery.

_I don't have any friends. Do I?_

_**Nope.**_

Saito nodded, causing Siesta to smile, thinking that the nod was in response to her last statement. She pulled away from him and smiled. Saito just stood up from the table, before swaying slightly.

"Saito?"

Saito put a hand on the table to steady himself, and then glanced at Siesta. "Yeah?"

Siesta paused; Saito's voice seemed quiet and forlorn, a voice you might hear during a funeral. She cleared her throat. "Sit back down, I'll get you some water."

"No, I'm fine, thanks." Saito's voice cracked as he said this, and he tried to stand up by propping himself up with his left arm.

"Ow!"

The weakened arm gave out and Saito collapsed into a sitting position again, causing Siesta to get a worried expression on her face.

"Are you sure you don't need water?"

Saito nodded and stood up, with his right arm this time. He wobbled a little bit, but he stabilized himself, and turned to Siesta.

"Thank you for the food."

Siesta smiled. "You're welcome, Saito."

She watched Saito turn and limp out of the dining hall, before realizing something.

"Saito!"

He turned.

"If you're looking for Louise, she's outside with the rest of the class. You can't miss them."

Saito nodded, and turned around and continued walking along slowly, until he reached the door that lead outside.

He contemplated it for a while. Then he went back to his room to get Derflinger. He needed something to talk to.

_Derflinger! He's a friend!_

_**If you count hunks of talking metal as friends, then yes.**_

Saito nodded again.

"I really should have taken her up on that drink."


	5. Chapter 5

Saito lurched to his room, and opened the door.

Somebody must have come in and magically fixed the room, for there was no strewn rubble, and the bed was sitting mockingly in the corner where it had always been, perfectly intact.

Saito reached under the bed and grabbed Derflinger, who seemed happy at seeing Saito.

"Dude! Do you have any idea how bad it was being trapped under that mattress! It was dark and I tried calling out to you, but I couldn't and so I sat there and waited and then someone resurrected everything but you weren't there and I began panicking-"

An expression of alarm came over Saito's face.

"Derflinger... Could you hear anything under there?"

Derflinger sounded indignant. "Of course I couldn't hear anything1 You think that smothering yourself in cotton is a good way to improve hearing? Do you?"

Saito sighed in relief. "No, Derflinger. Sorry."

_It's a good thing he didn't hear me crying as I cut myself. What if he told someone?_

_**Do you have a plan for if someone finds out?**_

_No, because nobody's going to find out!_

Saito stood up, and strapped Derflinger to his back.

"Derflinger, let's go."

"Where to? And where's Louise?"

Saito grimaced. "The answer to both of your questions is outside."

"Had another fight with the lady?"

"Shut up."

And Derflinger did, as Saito walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him.

It was a pretty nice day outside. A few clouds, but that was all that Saito had to complain about regarding the weather as he walked outside.

_**You don't like clouds?**_

_They're like blemishes on an otherwise perfect day. Plus, I always think that it's going to rain when there are clouds._

"Saito, what happened to your arm?"

Saito practically jumped a foot in the air. "W-What do you mean, Derflinger?"

"Well, you keep cupping it to your side as you walk, and you seem really tired. What happened?"

_**Told you someone would find out.**_

_Not yet! What do I do?_

_**You cut. It's your responsibility. **_

_What? I-_

"Saito?"

Saito jumped again. "Oh, um... The explosion... Shrapnel got me in the arm."

He rolled up his sleeve tentatively to expose the towel. He winced at the sight; it had even a blue towel before, but the part covering his incisions was a deep purple.

_I did that..._

_**And you deserved it too.**_

Saito could only nod. Who was he to argue with himself?

He rolled his sleeve back up and looked up. In the distance he saw a group of people wearing cloaks.

_There they are._

Unconsciously, his steps got slower and slower, which the voice wasn't happy about.

_**What are you doing?!**_

_Louise is there._

_**So? You're being a worse dog than before! First you seek out Siesta for help, now you try to avoid your master?**_

_But-_

_**You are going to walk across the green and stand by your master. And be a good dog this time.**_

Saito shuddered, and slumped slightly more as he increased his pace as he walked to the class.

_**Good.**_

As Saito got closer he could see that class was breaking up. A pink-haired girl caught his eye in particular; she was walking in their direction, her head down.

_Louise._

_**Apologize.**_

Saito gulped, and nodded.

Louise looked up at the sound of Saito approaching. Saito noticed that her eyes appeared slightly shot, as though she had been crying. She clutched her books to her chest tightly, and spoke.

"What do you want."

It wasn't really a question, more like a statement in the way it sounded.

Saito gulped again. "I just- I wanted to apologize for what I-I-I... For what I did."

Louise frowned. "Wanted to... Apologize?"

"Yeah, um... Yeah, I wanted to apologize for... Being with the maid... And having you wake up next to her... Sorry..."

Louise glanced at him, her frown still on her face. "Are you serious?"

Saito looked confused. "Yes..."

Louise nodded for a second, and appeared to be contemplating what he had said.

Then she exploded.

"So I was right!"

Saito took a step back. "What?"

Louise dropped her books and pointed an accusatory finger at Saito. "All of class I was thinking 'you know, maybe Saito was right. Maybe I was too quick to judge'. And I thought you were telling the truth! But for you to come crawling back to me and say that you had indeed been having an affair with that cow of a maid?! You expect me to forgive you?"

Saito shook his hands in alarm, then winced as the towel rubbed against his wound. "Wait, I never meant-"

"Don't give me any of that crap! You said it yourself; you were sorry for bringing the maid into your room! And you expect me to forgive you? You stupid, filthy dog!"

She started picking up her books angrily, while Saito stuttered to say something. "Louise, I didn't mean-"

"No! I don't care! In fact, I'd rather have an actual dog than have you as a familiar! At least a real dog would always shut up!"

Louise brushed past him firmly, and as she went by, Saito could have sworn that he had heard a sniffle.

But instead of turning behind him to watch her leave, maybe even chase after her, he just stood there, practically shell-shocked.

_She'd rather... Have a real dog?_

_**See? You're a terrible dog, she just admitted it.**_

Saito slumped to the ground, kneeling with glassy eyes. "She doesn't... want me?"

Derflinger slid out of his hilt. "Naw, man, she's just angry. Lady's do that sometimes, so-"

"SHUT UP!"

Saito tore Derflinger off of his back and threw him as far as he could down the field. He then spun around and tore towards the school in the opposite direction, oblivious to Derflinger's indignant cries.

Through the halls he ran like a mute madman, pushing past students and teachers and familiars in a blue blur, racing without end, running from something, from anything, from everything.

_She hates me. She fucking hates me._

_**It's because your the worst dog ever.**_

Still Saito ran, and now the tears were coming, a river flowing behind him as he now raced down empty halls.

_I'm a terrible familiar.. The absolute worst._

And as he ran through the halls, up a flight of stairs, and down, over and over again until he passed out at the top, a single memory kept smashing into his head, obliterating any rational thought, completely occupying his fevered mind.

"_I would rather have an actual dog than have you as a familiar."_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Oh, hello Saito.**_

_Who- Who are you?_

_**You don't remember me? That blow to the head must have really done a lot to you.**_

_Wait, what?_

_**Yeah, you were running up and down the stairs and then you crashed into the the wall at the top of the tower and blacked out.**_

_So... Is this a dream?_

_**Sure.**_

Saito, despite the dream state, began to remember what had happened when he had actually been conscious.

_Wait, didn't Louise say-_

_**Yeah. Shed rather have a dog. That's how bad of a familiar you are.**_

Saito, though unconscious, slumped slightly.

_Then there's no hope. _

_**What do you mean?**_

_Well, if I can't even be a halfway decent familiar, I might as well kill myself. Then Louise can get a dog and be happy with him._

_**A real dog, you mean. **_

_Right._

And Saito awoke.

He was slumped at the top of the tower, sitting down on the warm cobblestones. His hair was messed up around him and he had a slowly growing bruise on his forehead.

"Ow..."

He started to stand up, but was met by firm hands easing him back into a sitting position.

"Lay still. You hurt yourself on that wall pretty badly."

He recognized that voice.

Saito focused and saw Siesta, wringing out a wet cloth into a bowl. She took the cloth and lay it on Saito's forehead. Cool, but not freezing.

"What happened, Saito?"

Saito tried to speak, but it came out as mangled gibberish. Siesta smiled sadly and stood up. "I'll get you some soup from the kitchen. In the meantime, please don't move."

Saito watched her walk away longingly, wanting to follow her. But his body felt like lead at the moment and he didn't want to fall down all of the stairs.

"You okay?"

A new voice, although it was another one that he recognized.

Saito turned his head and saw Louise, leaning on the window. She looked as though she had been crying and her hair was sticking every which way. He looked past her to notice that it was nighttime outside. He had missed lunch and dinner.

"Define 'okay'."

Saito turned his head away from her, but in the process the rag fell off his forehead and into his lap. Moments later he heard footsteps, and felt something being lifted off of his thighs.

"Here. You don't want to get worse."

Louise put her hand on Saito's chin and turned Saito's head to face hers. She placed the rag on his forehead, and sighed.

"I want you to know, Saito... I..."

She sniffled.

"I'm really sorry for not treating you like a person. I... I've treated you like a... A dog... And I really do apologize for _whatever _I did to make you upset...I didn't... I didn't mean..."

She burst into tears and collapsed onto Saito, her face in his chest. Saito awkwardly placed his hands onto her back, rubbing it softly.

_**Of course she's sorry; she wants to make sure that you don't decide to leave her. I mean, a human can sure do a lot more than a real dog.**_

_Shut up!_

"Louise... I..."

Louise looked up at him, still crying. Saito smiled at her and pulled her back in for a hug.

"Louise, it's... It's fine. I understand. We all get a little frustrated sometimes with our dogs."

Louise nodded into Saito's chest, causing a pain to go through his heart.

_She even now thinks of me as a dog?_

_**Guess so.**_

Saito started to tear up, but he blinked the tears away. Louise looked up at him again, her face tear-stricken.

"But I heard you talking in your unconsciousness! You kept murmuring about killing yourself! You can't do that, Saito! I thought we fixed this months ago!"

_Uh-oh._

"Louise, I was unconscious. You know as well as I do that I say stuff that I don't mean when I'm not awake. Heck, you sleep next to me! You should know this by now!"

"But, Saito... What if you did?"

_I do. _

"I won't leave, Louise. I promise."

Louise smiled and started crying again. "Really?"

"Believe me, I'll try."

Louise grinned, nodded. But then a her face transformed into a quizzical expression.

"But Saito... I need to know..."

Saito swallowed. "Yes?"

"Were you... Were you seriously having an affair with that pig?"

Saito sighed in relief. "Siesta? No, I think she might have snuck in. Even if the door was locked, she is the maid. It wouldn't surprise me if she had a master key to get into every room."

Louise smiled happily. "Really?"

"I mean, it makes sense to me-"

Louise grinned and leaped into him, kissing him on the cheek. "Then I guess that there's nothing to worry about."

Saito nodded. "Yeah..."

Louise frowned. "Saito? What's wrong?"

_Should I show her? Show her what I did this morning?_

Saito glanced at his left sleeve, under which the scars had formed already. The skin torn and healed by the same person.

"Nothing, Louise. Nothing's wrong."

Louise glanced at him. "Well... Since you have been such a good dog..."

_What?_

"I'm going to not punish you anymore. How does that sound? I'll just yell at you and then we can make up like this time."

Saito faked a grin. "I don't see why not."

But as Siesta came up with warm bowls of soup for everyone and they chatted, Saito just had one thought running through his head over and over again.

_Don't worry, Louise. You don't have to punish this dog._

_He can do it himself from now on._


	7. Chapter 7

The next couple weeks after that incident were pretty uneventful. Siesta didn't sneak into Saito's rooms anymore, choosing to instead flirt with him while he was eating, which was pretty normal.

Louise held true to her promise about not punishing Saito, and she was feeling happier about it by the moment. She wasn't as stressed anymore, and it seemed that Saito was pleased as well.

Saito was in an interesting mental state. He wore a mask of happiness during the day, acting like Louise's girlfriend and trying to help her out more like a familiar in his mind would.

But although it appeared that he was satisfied with Louise not punishing him anymore, her declaration just made him even more determined to punish himself.

Saito's arm had not yet healed. This was because of a habit that Saito had made of himself the day after the 'tower incident', as he liked to call it. See, Saito would mentally count the number of mistakes that he had made in one day, and make a cut at the end of the day for each mistake.

Unfortunately, he would always convince himself that it wasn't enough, that he needed to make another cut, and so when he would go into the bathroom to make two or three cuts, he would come out with eight.

Cloaked, of course. Saito still had that towel he used to cover up his second slicing, and would wash it when nobody was around, so as to not draw attention to his depression. He would wrap it around his arm both day and night, and it soon became like a second skin to him.

Every day, however, he wondered if he should start cutting on the other wrist, so that they would both be equally weak. It would draw confusion from spectators when Saito would practice with Derflinger and do amazingly with his right hand, but when the sword was in his left hand, suddenly have the sword be crashing to the ground as though the arm were dead. (Which it practically was, due to the blood loss that was being caused every day.)

Nonetheless, Saito would continue his self-torture in the absence of Louise, always crying to an imaginary voice and a ghost of Louise's former self.

And that was where he was now. Standing over the sink, wrist dripping already, he stared into the mirror, tears running down his face. An angry Saito and Louise stared back, which Saito knew couldn't be true; Louise was downstairs, still eating dinner.

"What do you want?"

Louise spoke. "Another cut."

And so it was done, and as the reflections laughed, Saito cried, which made them laugh even more, before they got tired and told him that that wasn't enough punishment; that he needed more. To which Saito would oblige, and the cycle would commence again.

Eventually, Saito looked up to see just himself staring into the mirror. He sighed, and picked up the towel from where it had fallen. As Saito wrapped it around his wrist, he noticed that he had blood on his sweatshirt.

_Crap._

Saito, for some reason, only had one sweatshirt, so having blood on it probably wouldn't appealing.

He glanced at where it was, on the pockets near the stomach that Saito would rest his hands in when he was walking. There were about six drops there, and although they were turning purplish when meeting the blue fabric of the sweatshirt, someone was very likely to notice them and think(correctly) that it was blood.

_I could wash it? No, that'd take too long..._

Saito frowned as he rolled his sleeve back up to hide the towel. But as he reached down for a towel to dry his face off with, he had a sudden idea.

First, he washed his face, so as to disguise the tears. He glanced at his eyes, and saw that they weren't red from crying at all.

Perfect.

He then went to his and Louise's room and started pawing through Louise's drawer of clothing that she had outgrown, before coming across a small blue shirt. He closed the drawer softy and went back into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

A couple minutes and a few stitches later, and Saito was done.

He stepped out of the bathroom with a patch of blue sewn onto the pocket, covering the bloody spot. The patch had come from the shirt that Saito had just 'borrowed', and Saito figured that it was a pretty good disguise. If anyone asked, Saito would say that he had accidentally ripped it, and was patching it up until he could fix (AKA wash) it later.

Saito sighed, and threw away the scraps of shirt. He then unlocked the door, so that in case Louise were going to come in early, she could.

Saito didn't expect her to, however. She was always chatting or arguing with Siesta and Tiffania about who-knows-what, and would be up at around nine.

Saito glanced at the clock. So, in a half hour. Okay.

He briefly considered going down to talk with the girls, before deciding that he'd just be an obstruction. So he lay back on the bed, sighing and gazing up at the tapestry.

_**That's okay. You at least have me to talk to!**_

_Go away._

_**What? I honestly get no respect around here. You never want to talk to me.**_

_I talk to you enough when I'm cutting myself open in the bathroom every night!_

_**Well, that's because you deserve it, for being such a lousy familiar. We never actually talk, like about other stuff that sucks about life!**_

Saito sighed, and sat up, rubbing his eyes.

_Other stuff? I think that the fact that I can't do anything right qualifies as something that sucks about life._

_**No, that's boring. What's really funny, however, is that no matter, what you do, you're still adhered to that bitch of a master.**_

_What? _

_**It's true. No matter what you do, no matter what you say, you can't be freed from her at all. You're destined to serve her forever and ever. Unless...**_

_Unless?_

_**Unless you were to kill yourself. Which I'm sure you've thought about almost every day.**_

_I have not!_

_**Bullshit.**_

The voice was right; Saito contemplated suicide at least every other day, if not each day. He figured that if Louise wanted a real dog, he could just end it and she would probably be able to have a real dog as a familiar. But he always figured that when the time came to do it, he wouldn't have the guts, and so he contented himself with slicing his wrists every night.

_Even if I had, she could probably just stop me. Wave her wand and all that._

_**Why not do it now? She's not here. You know where the knife is.**_

Saito did indeed know. Both himself and Louise had drawers that the other wasn't allowed into, and in his he had the knife. He could do it right now, like the voice said. Ten steps, a hand movement to open the drawer, and hand movement to stab, nothing to it...

_**Do it.**_

_No._

_**Do it!**_

_No!_

_**Do it now!**_

_No, I-_

"Saito?"

Saito jumped. Louise had entered the room and was staring at him with a confused look on her face.

"Yes?", said Saito, maybe a little too loudly.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I- I uh... I'm really tired."

"You've been staring at the wall for the last ten minutes, not saying a word. Heck, you weren't even blinking."

Saito plastered a sly grin on his face and turned to Louise. "Wait. You've been just standing there, staring at me for the last ten minutes?"

Louise started to blush." I-I-I wanted t-t-to see wha-wha-what you were d-d-doing, you know? Like the m-m-master watching o-o-over her f-f-familiar!"

Saito stood up and nodded. "I see. You were staring at me lovingly because you could finally do so when I wasn't paying attention. Interesting."

Louise started to fume. "S-S-Saito! Y-Y-You know-"

Saito walked over to her and put his hand on her shoulders. "Yes, Louise, I know. I'm just so handsome that you can't help but stare at me. I get it."

Louise looked like she was going to explode, but instead just gave Saito a hug. "Whatever. Let's just get some sleep."

Louise went into the bathroom to change into her pajamas, while Saito waited for her in the main room. Suddenly, however, he heard a shriek.

"Saito!"

Saito jumped and raced into the bathroom, throwing open the door. "Louise! Are you-"

He stopped short in his tracks. Louise was top less, and although she had been staring into the sink, she was now staring at him, who was staring at her exposed chest.

"You pervert!"

"But you called-"

"Learn to check and see if I'm actually dressed!"

Saito stumbled backwards and fell on the ground past the doorway of the bathroom. The door slammed and Saito was left staring at the wood.

_Well, I guess that's a mistake for tomorrow._

He shuddered, but quickly stood up when the door reopened.

Louise glared at him. "Now you can come in, you pervert."

Saito raised his hands in an _I'm innocent _gesture as he walked into the bathroom. Louise pointed to the sink, where Saito peered into and gasped.

Saito had forgotten to wash out the sink after cutting, so his blood was all over the white walls of the basin. It wasn't even little enough to lie about saying that he had pricked his finger on a sewing needle, so for awhile he just stared into the sink.

Louise walked up to him. "Saito?"

He paused, and then spun around to meet her gaze. "Yeah?"

"Have you... Have you been cutting again?"

_**Yes.**_

_Yes._

Saito sighed. "No, Louise, I haven't."

"Because if you have, I want you to know-"

"I HAVEN'T!"

Louise turned to him, eyes wide from the sudden outburst. Saito gulped, and turned the faucet on quickly, watching the blood and water swirl down the drain.

"I'm sorry for yelling, Louise, but I... I haven't been cutting again. I don't know how this got here."

On a normal day, Louise would have pushed the subject, seeing as Saito had been the only one with access to the bathroom since when it didn't have blood in it, and so she found this suspicious. But given that Saito had scared eyes and, she assumed, was remembering cutting and the terror from the first time, she decided that she would bring it up later.

"Okay, Saito. I believe you. Let's just go to bed."

He nodded and turned off the faucet, and she made her way to the mattress, pulling him by the hand. They flopped into bed, and after a quick kiss goodnight, they were dreaming in no time.

Except for Saito. His 'dreams' were filled with knives and dogs.


	8. Chapter 8

Saito bolted awake in a cold sweat. His eyes were wide, and his arms and legs were as stiff as boards.

Slowly, Saito relaxed, reassuring himself that it was just a dream; that it didn't mean anything.

He turned his head to check the time. Two in the morning.

_Great._

He lay back in his bed, staring at the tapestry above the bed. He felt as though he had been given a shot of adrenaline, and it had just worn off.

_That was terrifying._

Saito had been starting to have nightmares in the last week. It was always the same; Saito being chased by dogs with bloody knives as teeth and whips as tails. He would never be able to outrun them, but he was only a little slower than them. And as soon as they would dive on him, whipping his back with their tails, sinking their teeth into his arms, as soon as he saw that Louise was standing over them triumphantly...

He would wake up, still feeling the pain unconsciously. The feeling of blades burrowing into his arms, a ferocious master cackling over him as his back bled.

Saito shivered at the memory.

_Back to bed._

"Saito?"

Saito jumped, and spun his head to his right. Louise was sitting up, rubbing her eyes tiredly. "What time is it? I don't think it's morning yet..."

Saito gulped. "Well, it is morning... Look, just go back to sleep. I'm sorry if I woke you up."

Louise turned and squinted at him. "But if it's morning, then shouldn't I be up? Getting dressed and heading to breakfast?"

Saito glanced at the clock nervously. "Well, Louise, I have to say... It's a little early in the morning."

Louise frowned as her eyes opened a little wider. "How early?"

"Um... Two in the morning early?"

Louise sighed, then nodded. "So why are you awake?"

Saito, startled by her question, turned back to her, and noticed that she seemed to be waking up, which could be a problem; he didn't want her to fall asleep in one of her classes, as it would mean another mistake on his part.

"No reason, Louise, you should go back to sleep. I'll join you shortly."

Saito could have sworn he heard a _tsk _in the darkness, and before he knew it, light was shining in his eyes.

"Ow! You could have warned-"

"Shh! Others are sleeping!"

Saito nodded, and stared at his master. Her hair was everywhere, hanging like a curtain in front of her face and sticking out in random spots. He could see that her eyes were fully open, although they had a slightly glazed look about them. She was holding a candle that was oddly bright for a fire, and she stared at him determinedly.

"Now, I'm going to ask again: Why are you awake?" Louise whispered.

"Louise, you don't need to worry about it. It's fine. Just go back to sleep."

This didn't really reassure Louise, as she grabbed his sleeve tightly and spoke again. "Saito. When I'm sleeping and suddenly get the covers thrown off of me, I tend to think that something's going on. Especially if it's two in the morning."

Saito looked away from her, staring out the window. His wrist started throbbing suddenly, and he scratched it absently.

_How do I tell her that this has happened almost every night? That I wake up, wanting to scream from what should be blissful rest?_

Louise suddenly gasped in realization, prompting Saito to turn around and look at her again. "Don't tell me..."

Saito frowned. "Don't tell you what?"

Louise started to tear up, and she backed away from Saito slightly. "Don't tell me you've been going to see that maid!"

Saito glared at her. "What? No! Whatever made you-"

"Because you said that as a maid, she should have keys to everywhere. But when I asked her... When I asked her, she said that she didn't have any sort of keys. You lied, Saito."

Saito's eyes widened.

_No. This isn't going to happen again._

Louise glared at him. "You are with the maid, aren't you? Aren't you!? You'll go out and do who-knows-what with her, and be back by morning!"

"Louise, that's not true, I-"

"And now you expect me to believe you? That you just _happened _to wake up at two in the morning, and expect me to go back to sleep? When you've been getting it on with that cow-"

"Louise, keep your voice down, I-"

"Keep my voice down? Keep my voice down? Why? You don't want everyone to know that you've been crawling to the pig because your master won't give it to you? Because what I'm thinking of giving you is-"

"LOUISE! I HAD A FUCKING NIGHTMARE!"

Louise suddenly clammed up, and her eyes went wide. Silence fell over the room as the two listened to check as too whether anyone had heard them. After about a minute of listening and confirming that indeed, nobody had been woken up, Saito's words registered with Louise.

"Wait... You... You had a nightmare?"

Saito nodded. "I was trying to tell you, but you were yelling about your conspiracy theories about farm animals, and-"

Louise set down the candle, and moved forward to give Saito a hug. Saito's eyes widened in surprise as she grasped him tightly, her stray hair tickling his face.

"Saito, I... I'm so sorry, I didn't... I didn't realize..." She hugged him harder. "How long has this been going on?"

Saito suddenly felt compelled to respond truthfully. "Every... Every night for the last week."

He heard Louise gasp in the darkness, and Saito suddenly felt like crying. For about a month now, Saito had had to cut for his 'sins', deal with a voice in his head, wrestle with the thought of ending his life, and when it was the end of the day, his dreams were filled with horror upon horror.

_I can't do this anymore. I can't._

Louise pulled away and picked up the candle, holding it close to both of their faces. Saito could tell that Louise was trying to fight tears back, but before he really comprehended what that meant, Louise frowned at him and spoke.

"Saito. I want you to do something for me, okay?"

Saito gazed back at her, perplexed. "That depends on what it is, Louise."

"Saito, this isn't a request. This is a command from your master. Okay?"

_No. I can't be a slave anymore._

"Fine."

Louise shuddered, and then seemed to nod to herself. "Right." She paused, steadying herself. "Saito... Roll up your sleeves."

Saito stared at her, stunned. "What?"

"R-Roll up your sleeves, please. I want to see if y-you've actually been..."

Louise couldn't finish her sentence, so she gestured with the candle to Saito's right sleeve. Saito paused, nodded, and rolled it up.

Pale, unmarked skin was illuminated faintly in the darkness, for Saito had never cut on his right wrist. Louise sighed in relief, and Saito began rolling his right sleeve up.

"Now for the left."

Saito gasped in shock as Louise looked at him, tears budding on the sides of her eyes. He tried to speak, but he knew that he would only be delaying the inevitable. He sighed.

_Guess I'm finished._

Saito shifted his body so that his left arm was in the light. Slowly, he rolled up his right sleeve, exposing the thin blue towel he had been using for so long to hide his cuts.

Louise gestured at the towel, and as Saito looked at her through the candlelight, he could tell that she was very close to snapping mentally with this new information.

_Another failure._

_But after this, I won't be able to cut. Louise will definitely make sure of it._

_Maybe I should just kill myself._

Saito unwrapped the towel slowly, cursing his stupidity silently as the towel came off. He suddenly turned to move the arm out of the light, and dropped the towel on the ground. His arm felt oddly light now, but he couldn't think of that immediately as Louise started trying to practically crawl over him to see his arm.

He turned to Louise. "Louise, calm down. I'm going to show you it. But..."

Louise sat back. "But what?"

Saito grimaced. "But what your about to see may cause discomfort. Are you ready?"

Louise gulped, and nodded. Saito braced himself, and moved his wrist into the light for Louise to see.

It was an awful sight. Saito had six cuts parallel on his arm, all not fully healed. The cuts were each about three-quarters of a centimeter wide, and even as the two of them stared at them, one of the incisions leaked blood. They were all a dark brown from blood clotting, and Saito realized that his left hand was starting to lose its color.

It also didn't help that, due to Saito wearing the towel so tightly for so long, there were marks on his skin that almost made a little maze, except they only made the cuts stand out even more.

Saito couldn't look at Louise, choosing instead to stare at the destruction that he had wrecked upon himself. But in a way... Saito felt proud.

_I deserve these. They're my punishment._

Saito felt a hand on his chin, pushing it up to meet Louise's eyes. She was definitely crying now, but doing it so silently that Saito felt terrible about disguising it from her.

_She should have known that I was punishing myself._

_That she didn't have to worry about me._

"Saito?"

"Hm?"

Louise moved closer to Saito and took his hand. "How... How long have you been cutting yourself?"

Saito thought about lying, before realizing that that would be pointless; the outcome would be the same either way. "About a month."

Louise nodded, and put her hand to her cheek, bringing his hand along with it. He could feel her tears flowing down his hand.

_They're warm._

Louise stared at him for about a minute, before releasing his hand and turning to her bedside table, grabbing a notebook.

Saito was confused. "What are you doing?"

"I'm writing myself a note to go and talk to the psychiatrist about you, Saito. You need help."

_What?_

"I'm not crazy!"

Louise picked up a pen and set the candle down on the table, illuminating the notebook. "You've been injuring yourself for the last month, Saito. And maybe it's even more. I mean you didn't exactly tell me yesterday that you were cutting yourself."

Saito glared at her, even though he knew she wouldn't be able to see it in the darkness. "I'm fine! I'll stop cutting, okay? I did last time!"

Louise scribbled in her notebook furiously, before turning with the candle to look Saito straight in the eyes. "Apparently not, seeing as you have _seven gashes _in your arm. I don't even know if you have a good reason to be cutting, or you really _are _just trying to hook up with the maid!"

"How the hell would I do that by slicing open my arm?"

"I don't know, I'm not the one doing it! Now, tomorrow, wait, _today_, you are going to go down to the psychiatrist with me. And we are going to figure this out."

"No! You can't tell me what to do! If I want to maim myself, who are you to stop me?"

Louise looked like she was going to explode. "Who am I? Who am I? I'm your master, Saito! I'm the one you take orders from! I tell you what to do, and you do it! Without question! And as a side note, I care about you! So that's another reason!"

_Did she really just say that?_

_**Basically.**_

_She still thinks I'm a dog._

_**Yeah.**_

_That does it. This afternoon. _

_**This afternoon?**_

_You'll see._

Saito and Louise glared at each other before Saito bent down and picked up the towel from the floor. "Fine. I'll just go back to sleep."

Saito adjusted the covers furiously, and flopped down in his pillow. Louise wiped her eyes, before blowing out the candle and doing the same.

Neither one got any more sleep that morning.


	9. Chapter 9

Louise and Saito got out of bed at 6:30 that morning. They got dressed, brushed their teeth, and did their hair. Normal morning stuff.

However, the air between them was tense. _Very _tense. Louise insisted on watching Saito the entire time, to make sure he wouldn't slip away and do who-knows-what. This didn't exactly appeal to Saito, seeing as getting dressed in front of his master was obviously embarrassing and, one could argue, unnecessary. In the end, Saito just covered himself up with a piece of cloth, but it was still pretty embarrassing.

Louise didn't see it that way, however. She was still fuming about the fact that Saito lied to her, which wasn't mixing well with her feeling that Saito was cutting because of her. Because of this, her voice was practically a bark at Saito the whole morning, which only made Saito feel even more depressed that he was a slave.

Besides the dressing issue, everything else went along okay(save the uneasy atmosphere between the two of them) until Saito confessed that he had to use the bathroom.

Louise glared "What did you say?"

Saito shrugged. "I said I have to use the bathroom. If you want more detail, I have to pee. To go number one. To-"

"I get it!" Louise fumed. "I'm going to give you a minute. If you aren't out by then, I'm breaking the door down and you're going to breakfast in a straitjacket!"

Saito gulped and nodded, hurrying into the bathroom and slamming the door behind him. Moments later, Louise could hear tinkling water. She sighed and looked at the clock, watching the seconds tick by.

When forty-five seconds had passed, Louise started yelling again. "I'm coming in, Saito!"

An indignant yell came out in return. "But that wasn't even a full minute!"

The door opened and out came Saito, furiously zipping up his pants. He looked up and glared at Louise. "Where to now, _master_?"

Louise caught the snarl in his voice. "Don't make me get you a leash." She turned around and headed for the door. "Now, let's go to breakfast."

_Guess I'm still the dog,_

_I'll show you._

The morning was pretty unexciting, with Saito just practically attached to Louise's hip. Louise wouldn't let him talk to anyone else, go off on his own, or do anything other than eat and walk for that matter. Even if Louise had to use the bathroom, she would just blindfold Saito and put earplugs in his ears. He would then have to sit at Louise's feet while she did her business.

A part of Louise felt a little bad for Saito. She only wanted the best for him, and this certainly didn't look like the best. But she would reassure herself that right after lunch, the two would go to the school psychiatrist, and get everything sorted out. And then she wouldn't have to do this, and Saito would be cured for sure. She smiled to herself, deaf to Saito's cries of indignation from the bathroom floor.

Lunch came, and Saito was served the same thing that he was served at breakfast: two pieces of bread and some water.

"Gee, Louise, I guess I don't have to worry about hurting myself anymore. You're practically doing it for me," Saito said as he chewed the bread, which was pretty dry and tasteless.

In response to his sarcasm, he got a smack from Louise, who whispered quickly and angrily to him, "Keep your voice down! Do you want everyone to know about what's going on?"

"Well, I don't think we need to worry about that; due to how you've been treating me this morning, they already know, or at least part of it."

Indeed, everyone in the lunchroom had been staring at them for a while, seeing as Saito was sitting on the floor and Louise at the table, a very unusual occurrence. Even as the two had been walking to classes that morning, they had caught faint whispers of them from other students.

"I think they had a fight..."

"Saito's with the maid?"

" I always thought he'd be more loyal..."

Saito shrugged. "Doesn't matter, though, seeing as they've all got the story wrong." He took another bite of his bread.

Louise was about to hit him again, before realizing that they would be getting Saito professional help in less than an hour. She relaxed, smiled, and went back to her lunch.

As she ate, however, she realized that she had just hit Saito. Physical punishment.

_I swore a while back not to hit him ever again._

Louise's eyes widened, and she felt lightheaded.

_Am I the one who's going crazy?_

Louise suddenly didn't feel like finishing her pasta. She got up from the table and tugged at Saito's collar, perhaps a little harder than necessary.

"C'mon, Saito. We're going to see the psychiatrist."

Saito's eyes widened at first and he seemed to shiver, but he nodded. "Can I first go and use the bathroom in our room? I just ate, so..."

Louise glared at him, before nodding and turning around, still holding him by the collar. "Hurry up! Let's go!"

Saito didn't even care that she was dragging him through the hallway. He was busy thinking about his last meal.

_Well, the bread was a little stale, but at least the water was good._

He chuckled at the fact that he really wouldn't see his parents again, and when Louise asked what the problem was, he said that was thinking of home.

Louise practically threw Saito into the bathroom when the two of them got there. "One minute, slowpoke, and then you see the doctor bound and gagged!"

Saito turned around to protest. "But that's not enough-"

Louise snarled. "I don't care!"

And with a slamming of the door, Saito was alone.

_Goodbye, cruel world._

_How corny._

He sighed, and went into action. When he had gone into the bathroom earlier, he hadn't actually had to go; rather, he was simply scouting the bathroom for how he was going to do his final act.

He took out Derflinger and moved quickly to the toilet. He had duct taped Derflinger's 'mouth' when he was in the bathroom previously, so that his plans wouldn't go to ruin.

_I'm sorry, Derflinger._

With a couple deft swipes, Saito cut the tubing attached onto the toilet, and quickly and quietly moved it so that it blocked the door from opening.

_All right, so far so good. But now for the hard part._

He turned to the mirror. As per when he cut before, Louise was standing there, glaring at him. But... There was no angry Saito. Simply Saito currently, tired yet determined. This confused Saito at first, but he shook the idea of it out of his head, focusing on the Louise in the mirror.

"I hate you."

Outside the bathroom, Louise started for the door. "Time's up!"

_Indeed it is._

Saito briefly turned his head towards the door, before turning back to the mirror.

"I can't live anymore. I can't have these voices anymore. I can't ruin people's lives anymore."

The Louise in the mirror nodded, when suddenly there was cursing from outside.

"Saito! You open this door right now!" Louise was trying to open the door, but it was blocked by a heavy piece of china(heavy for Louise anyways).

He sighed, and lay his hand on the counter. His right hand. The hand with the runes.

"But if I have to die. If I have to kill myself... I won't do it as a slave. I _can't _do it as a slave_._"

"Saito, I am commanding you as your master! Open this door or I will blast it in!"

Saito raised Derflinger. "You aren't my master anymore."

The Louise in the mirror gasped, and started charging for Saito. Saito saw the mirror explode, saw his world explode, as he brought down the sword in a banzai cry.

"I won't die a slave! I won't!"

Louise coughed, and tried to stand. Something had fallen on her leg, and now she was stuck.

She couldn't open the door, so she had used an explosion to blow it up. The result was that she couldn't move and she thought that Saito was buried somewhere.

She grimaced. "Saito! Where are you?"

"Right here."

Louise looked to her left and saw Saito, a maniacal expression on his face. She glared at him. 'Saito, get me out of here! I am commanding you as your master!"

Saito grinned, and held up his right hand. Or, rather, what was left of it.

Saito had completely severed his right hand off, and what remained was a bleeding stump. Louise gasped at the sight, and looked up to meet Saito's eyes.

"No..."

He nodded, and then turned away from her to concentrate.

_Voice. You here?_

_**How could I not?**_

_Good to know. You know, I never actually gave you a name._

_**Oh, is that so?**_

Saito nodded, even though he knew nobody could see him.

_How about...Xerxes?_

_**Why that name?**_

_Well, it just came to me._

Saito sat up slightly and picked up Derflinger. He positioned him to his heart, and spoke.

"Xerxes, I want you to be with me right now. So that when I die, as I will right now, I will die not a slave. I am a slave to nobody! NOBODY!"

The blade wobbled as he spoke.

_**Alright Saito. I'm here.**_

_**It's been fun.**_

Saito nodded again. Tears started to fill his eyes, and he could hear Louise in the distance, telling him to stop this madness. He ignored her, and focused outside, towards the brilliant sun.

_Mom. Dad. I'm sorry._

And Saito fell forward, plunging the blade into his chest.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Epilogue**_

"Thank you for your time, Louise. You may go now."

Louise nodded, and got up from the chair in the headmaster's office. She left quickly, not even bothering to close the door.

Louise ran through the corridors to her room, tears flowing behind her. Classmates saw her coming, and instead of jeering at her like they always did, they stepped aside awkwardly, with their head down.

Louise eventually reached her room and thrust the door open, slamming it shut and jumping onto the remade bed. She grabbed a pillow and screamed into it, crying in anguish and pure tragedy.

It had been three days since Saito had tried to kill himself not two feet from where Louise weeped. She had seen him talk to air, to what he called 'Xerxes'. She had seen him put the blade to his heart. And she had screamed as he fell onto the sword with deliberation, using his left hand to steady it.

Louise could remember Siesta coming into the room, wondering what the screaming was about. She remembered the maid screaming and almost fainting in shock, but quickly gathering herself to carry Saito to the infirmary. He had passed out from lack of blood.

Saito was downstairs in the medical ward now, recovering. The doctors told Louise that because his left hand was so weak from cutting so often, it had practically given out when Saito fell to push it into his chest. The blade had shifted and punctured his right lung, coming out the other side. With magic and a couple days of rest, they said Saito would make a full recovery. They even said that they could reconnect his right hand. However, she was forbidden from seeing him.

Derflinger seemed to be having one of the worst times out of everyone currently, however. He was the one who cut off Saito's hand, and even though everyone reassured him that it wasn't his fault, he still hadn't said anything ever since the tape had been removed from his mouth.

Louise sobbed louder. These were her days now, falling into a pillow each day and night, crying for what seemed like hours straight, each time worse than the last.

The headmaster had wanted to know the full story of what had been going on with Saito, since he wasn't saying anything. Louise couldn't tell him. She knew that if she did, all hope of getting Saito to at least tolerate her again would be lost, and she would feel even worse than he.

She already was sinking into a miniature depression. She would always walk into the bathroom and see the knife on the counter and think, maybe, maybe just once...

What did Saito get from it, she wondered. Why did Saito think that by cutting he could ease the horrors of life, the demon that was her? Maybe he had something, maybe real, sharp pain can distract from everyday pain, the kind that happens no matter what you do. Make it worse to make it better,

Louise suddenly heard a knock on the door. She didn't answer it; she never did. Whoever wanted to see her would usually write down a message and slip it under the door, saying that somebody wanted to talk to her, or that dinner was in a half hour.

Another knock. Louise subconsciously noticed that this was odd; nobody ever knocked twice. But once again, she didn't answer it, weeping even more into the tear-stained pillows.

And then she heard a clicking, prompting her to turn around and see Siesta walking into the room with a tray with what seemed like two steaming cups of tea.

Louise glared at her. "Get out of my room."

Siesta ignored her, setting the tray down on the table and taking two spoons out of her apron, placing them onto the tray. "Drink up. It'll make you feel better."

"I don't much like tea."

"Then it's a good thing it's hot chocolate, which I'm sure you'll like." She handed Louise a cup, which Louise accepted begrudgingly. She grabbed a spoon, stirred for a couple seconds, and took a sip. This was promptly spit out onto her sleeve as she gasped in pain.

"Ow! Hot!"

Siesta grinned slightly. "Louise, it just got done. Of course it's going to be hot." Siesta rummaged around in her apron until she found a napkin, which she handed to Louise. Louise glared at her as she took the napkin, and wiped off her sleeve as best she could.

Siesta set her own cup down. "So. How's it going?"

Louise didn't answer. She didn't have to; both of them realized that it was a pretty stupid question.

Siesta cleared her throat. "Um... I came to deliver a message."

Louise looked up from her drink. "Okay. What's the message?"

Siesta gently set her cup down onto the tray, as though she feared it would explode. "Saito wishes to talk to you."

Louise blinked. "I'm not allowed to go see him. The doctors themselves told me that."

"Well, the doctors seemed to have revoked their statement, seeing as they passed on the message from Saito."

Louise frowned. "Well, you can tell him that I don't want to see him."

Siesta rotated her mug slowly. "Um... Why?"

"Because he's the only reason this entire mess got started! He's made me out of a familiar! I have to balance doing chores, school, and dealing with people asking what happened! And what should I tell them? That my familiar was trying to kill himself so that he wouldn't feel like a slave anymore? Or that he was cutting himself for a month because of this guy named Xerxes? What do I do?"

"Well, you can start by calming down. I don't think they'll have to ask you to talk to Saito if you shout it loud enough for the whole school to hear."

Louise glared at Siesta, who simply took another sip from her drink.

"You know, it helps to actually think about this."

"Really? How so?" Louise's tone had an edge to it, which Siesta seemed to not notice.

"If he wants to talk to you, that means he's not angry at you. I'm sure that-"

"Sure that what?! That I'll get there and he'll welcome me with hugs and kisses? That he'll be willing to forgive and forget? No! He just wants to yell at me!"

"Maybe he does, Louise. But you won't know that if you don't go. And besides-" Siesta stood up and gathered the mugs and spoons onto the tray. "He's still your familiar."

And with that she walked out, shutting the door behind her softly.

Louise stared at where she had gone.

_Is he?_

_Yes._

_He is._

Louise was standing outside the door of the medical ward. She was trying desperately to convince herself that she shouldn't be here.

_What if Saito doesn't want me here? What if he orders me out?_

She raised her hand and extended shaking knuckles to the door.

_What if Saito doesn't address it and tries to kill himself again? What if he tries to kill me?_

Her hand paused in the air, inches from the door.

_One knock. And if they don't answer, I didn't knock, and I'm going back to my room._

She rapped the door. Once. It was louder than she thought.

_Huh. No answer. Good. Now, let's go-_

The door opened and she was greeted by one of the doctors. "Louise?"

Louise practically jumped a foot. "W-W-What? Um... Y-Y-Yeah, that's me."

The doctor smiled. "Saito's waiting for you. He's in the second stall on the left, behind the curtain. He says that you don't have to knock or anything."

Louise nodded, and took brisk steps forward. She turned left and counted tentatively, until she reached the second stall.

_This is it._

_I shouldn't be here. I'm going to my room. _

"Louise? You can just come in, didn't the doctor tell you that?"

Louise jumped again. "But... But how did you know I was here?"

A laugh. "Because you have a distinctive shadow. Come in."

Louise took a step forward, and cautiously opened the curtain. She gulped, took a deep breath, and stepped inside, closing the curtain behind her.

Saito was lying in bed, with a green blanket over him. He was propped up so that he could see Louise instead of the ceiling. His hair was a little messed up, but he seemed content and healthy.

He gestured to a chair by the bed, near the dresser. "Here, take a seat."

Louise walked over to the chair, trying to hold back tears. Here was the man, no, the _boy _that she had hurt in some way unknown to all but he. And he was welcoming her as though she were just any guest!

She sat down. "So. You wanted to see me?"

Saito nodded. "Um... I wanted to talk about a couple things."

Louise nodded.

"But I didn't know how to phrase them all. So I figured that I'd just tell you everything that's been going on. Please don't interrupt. I want you to know this."

And he talked for what seemed like hours about their arguments and his misconceived betrayals. He told her about his first time cutting and his feelings of hopelessness. He expressed his problems with being called a dog, and his bigger problems with not living up to it. He apologized for his lying and his cutting. And he was almost in tears when he talked about Xerxes and the havoc that the voice had done to his head.

Louise sat through all of this with her hand over her mouth, tears flowing silently down her cheeks.

_I didn't realize how much Saito had been going through._

_And it's all my fault._

Saito turned his head to look at her, and gasped in shock. "Louise, no. Don't cry, it's okay now."

Louise wailed loudly. "It's not okay! It's-" Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth, for fear of someone hearing her.

Saito smiled sadly. "Don't worry. The wards are enchanted. Only the person inside and whoever they choose can hear what's going on inside. Go on."

Louise nodded, and started wailing again. "No! It's all my fault! I called you a dog! I whipped you! Everything that happened to you was my fault! I- I can't live with myself, Saito, knowing that you tried to kill yourself because of me! Maybe I should kill my-"

"Oh, Louise... No..."

Saito sat up and reached out from under the blanket, pulling Louise to his chest and letting her cry into it. She clutched his shirt and sobbed loudly, not caring that Saito was there, not noticing his completely healed hand.

"Louise... We all make mistakes. Some more than others. But I think that we all learn, and you seem to have learned."

"But-But Saito, what if I do it again? What if?!"

Saito pulled her away and held her so that she could look into his eyes. "You won't. I'll help you. After all, I _am _your familiar."

"But your hand-"

He held up his right hand, completely healed at the wrist. "What about it?"

This prompted another round of tears from Louise, and she collapsed into his chest again, wailing for a good three minutes while Saito just held her.

Eventually Louise got up. "When do you get out?"

Saito frowned, and lay back. 'Well, I'm here for another two days, just resting to make sure that my lungs are healed. But you can visit me anytime."

Louise nodded and wiped her eyes. "One more thing: Psychiatrist?"

Louise had expected his eyes to darken, but instead he just smiled. "I've been seeing one each day when the doctors aren't treating me, and soon I'll have appointments Friday afternoons. I'm going to be just fine, Louise."

She nodded, and dashed out before she could break into tears again. She bolted through the hallways into her room and shut the door, flopping onto her bed in tears.

But this time, they were tears of joy.

Saito grinned watching her go.

_She sure did take that a lot better than I thought she would. No 'explosion' or anything,_

He sighed in contention, and leaned back to take a quick nap.

_It's going to be okay._

And, for the first time since Saito could remember, there was no response.

_**The End**_


End file.
